How to free of relationship problem

The problem here is that the relationship is Jake’s not Simone’s. He’s setting the pace, the rules of engagement, and she is essentially is taking what she gets. There are a couple of dynamics at work here that are keeping it in this stalemated position.

One is that intermittent reinforcement at play. There is no pattern, Simone is constantly off-balance. Just when she might reach her bottom-line – that Jake is always gone for weeks at a time and she is fed up – he instead shows up. Each time they have two dates in the same week, her brain starts thinking that this is the beginning of a possible change. This trying to connect dots that aren’t there both feeds her obsessing and keeps her emotionally hooked.

The other is that by taking what she gets, by her fear of rocking the boat and making demands, she is not actually getting to explore the relationship or Jake. The purpose of dating is to get to know someone, to see if you are truly compatible. An easy mistake to make is to stay in good dating behavior mode for too long. Both individuals let things

How to choose the right relationship for you

Before you even think about dating or moving onto another relationship, you have to take inventory about your last relationship and figure out what worked, what didn’t and what you need to change in the future.  Ten questions to ask to figure out if your relationship was good for you and what you need to do to change it:

1. Safety: Were you physically, mentally, emotionally or verbally harmed? Were there times you were afraid of what your partner would do or say? Were there times you just dreaded seeing this person?

2. Self-esteem: Did you feel guilty, “less-than”, not good enough, not worthy in your relationship? Does your partner or ex partner criticize your behavior, your looks, or any other traits and qualities? Do you own that criticism and internalize it? Do you beat yourself up because of what you’ve done or continue to do? Are you taking the blame for the failures in the relationship? Has your partner broken up with you more than once because you haven’t changed or haven’t changed enough and you’ve been searching for the magic solution to make this person stay once and for all? Have you

Teenage Son Think About Sexual Assault

I wrote a letter to your sister about sexual assault, after some incidents at her school made me realize there were some things I wanted to share.  You’re a little younger, but I want you to be part of that conversation too.  More importantly, and as I told your sister, I have faith that you can be part of the solution.

Your father and I are very proud of you and happy to see you growing into a young man.  Just like with your sister, we look forward to watching you explore new relationships and new horizons, and we want you to be confident in your sexuality.

In some ways, I wish I could write the same letter to you that I wrote to her, but you face different challenges. As I watch you learn what it means to be a man, I worry not only that you might be sexually victimized yourself, but also that you will get exposed to distorted views of sexuality and pressured to go along with aggressive behavior.

Probably your biggest challenge will be to stand up for a culture of respect. The strongest person in any

All About Online Dating Tips

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and conventional wisdom both suggest that love is a fundamental human need. Most people meet their significant others through their social circles or work/school functions. However, these pools can be relatively shallow. In the search for a potential date, more and more people are switching to less traditional methods.

Online dating is really popular. Using the internet is really popular. A survey conducted in 2013 found that 77% of people considered it “very important” to have their smartphones with them at all times. With the rise and rise of apps like Tinder (and the various copycat models) who could blame them.  If you want to think about dating as a numbers game (and apparently many people do), you could probably swipe left/right between 10 – 100 times in the span of time that it would take you to interact with one potential date in ‘real-life’.

With the popularity of sites like eHarmony,, OKcupid  and literally thousands of similar others, the stigma of online dating has diminished considerably in the last decade. More and more of us insist on outsourcing our love-lives to spreadsheets and algorithms. According to the Pew Research

The Reason of People Make Love at Night

Most people make love when they go to bed, which is usually at night . Sleeping with someone is thus a synonym for having sex. Why human sex and sleep are so intertwined remains mysterious.

Yet, there is no obvious reason why copulation under the covers at night is biologically optimal. Anthropologists note that sexual infidelity can occur opportunistically at any time of day, beginning with dawn. That is when hunter gatherers typically leave their huts to urinate. It is also when couples have quick trysts out of earshot of their sleeping spouses.

Such meetings may accomplish the biological job of fertilization but leave much to be desired from a variety of perspectives, physiological, social, psychological, and ethical.

Why Sex Before Sleep May Be Preferable

Researchers find that most marital sex occurs around bedtime. More than half of sexual encounters occur between the hours of 10 PM and 2 AM with a smaller additional peak at 6 AM, when couples are likely to be waking.

Couples are more likely to have sex on weekend nights, suggesting that work schedules dictate patterns of sexual activity to some extent. Avoiding sex on work nights may help

The Reason of Female Sexuality Flexible

Kinsey’s extensive interviews found changes in sexual desires over time—rather than a whole lot of people who were conscious of a continuous attraction to both genders. You don’t have to consider yourself “bi” as a permanent identity to find yourself sometimes attracted to a man, sometimes to a woman. You also may choose not to have sex, and identify as “asexual.” This can be a choice, rather than a sign of a problem.

The psychologist Robert Epstein, a former editor of Psychology Today, also says that most people fall somewhere in the middle of that continuum, and “experience some degree of same-sex attraction at some point in their lives.” Epstein, who has collected online survey responses from around the world, says that women report more same-sex attraction than men do and more flexibility in expressing their desires.

Cal State Fullerton psychologist Richard Lippa didn’t just ask survey questions: He had men and women who consider themselves heterosexual rate their attraction to pictures of models in swimsuits. He also unobtrusively tracked the time they spent looking at the photos. Separately, he asked other participants to rank the models according to how attractive they were by societal standards. As predicted, the men were keener on

The advantages all about your pet

For the majority of people, interacting with dogs tends to produce positive emotional responses. It is this behavioral tendency in humans that allows us to use dogs as aids in psychological therapy — to provide emotional support and comfort to people under stress. There is now a lot of data which says that the degree of stress reduction which our interactions with pet dogs provides is large enough that it can protect us from certain health problems which are known to be aggravated by stress. In fact a task force report from the American Heart Association concluded “there are plausible psychological, sociological and physiological reasons to believe that pet ownership might actually have a causal role in decreasing cardiovascular risk.” (Click here for more about that).

Research demonstrating the emotional bond between humans and dogs has become much more sophisticated in recent years. While some studies continue to use surveys and questionnaires to investigate this issue, others have used complex physiological measures, including measures of heart rate, breathing, muscle tension, and the concentration of stress hormones in the blood (the corticosteroids) to show that interacting with dogs makes us feel better. More recently, researchers have shown that

Republicans and Democrats Get Married

It’s possible that political party affiliation doesn’t matter when people are looking for their romantic partners. Case in point: democratic political consultant James Carville and long-time Republican strategist (now Libertarian) Mary Matalin have a marriage that’s lasted over 20 years and is still going strong. They not only have opposing political perspectives, but their politics are central to their professional identities. Maybe political party is irrelevant when choosing a life partner.

Other evidence supports this idea, suggesting that people sort on other demographics (e.g., race) more than by political party (Huber & Malhotra, 2012). Yet, Pew Research (2014) suggests that those who identify with a political party want to live with people who share their political views. Further, they tend not to want their children to marry outside of that affiliation. This connects nicely with trends showing that we gravitate towards like-minded people, and we can create social worlds (e.g., on Facebook) that insulate us from opposing viewpoints. Perhaps political affiliation might make a difference when choosing a romantic partner.

A new study out of Yale University (Hersh & Ghitza, 2016) tackled the question of political affiliation and marriage. The authors obtained voter registration data linked

Sexually Abused Girl Story

Angie was sexually abused by her father when she was seven.  She was in group therapy with me when she was 14; the year the courts sent her to live in a group home for girls.  Approximately 85% of the girls in the group home had been sexually abused by their fathers, stepfathers, grandfathers or a live-in boyfriend.   At one of our group therapy sessions, Angie was encouraged to tell her story.  In spite of the strict rules of confidentiality, Angie felt embarrassed and ashamed to tell her story but nevertheless she shared the essence of her experience with her father.

Angie told the group, “My dad put me to bed ever since I can remember.  When I was little he just rubbed my back but when I got older he would lie down beside me and put his arm around me.  At first, I thought that was okay but then he made me do things to him.  When he was finished with me he went back to his bed and I laid there feeling dirty and ashamed.  He told me never to tell mom.  He made me do that at least once every week for the

KNow more about the divorce

So, you’re back from summer vacation; you’ve returned to work, and the kids are back in school? Well, beware: you might be headed for a divorce!  It’s true – new research finds that divorces tend to rise following vacations.

This study, from the University of Washington, discovered that divorce is seasonal during the periods following both winter and summer vacations. That suggests divorce might be driven by a “domestic ritual” calendar that governs family behavior. And more specifically, that vacations may exacerbate underlying tensions and conflict for couples.

The study was presented at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association by researchers Julie Brines and Brian Serafini. According to a summary of the research, they found divorce consistently peaks during the months of August and March – times that follow winter and summer holidays.

In the research summary, Brines reported that troubled couples may see the holidays as a time to mend relationships; and they might believe that if they have a happy time “away from it all,” then everything will be fixed and their lives will improve.

But in reality, those vacation periods and time off can be both emotionally charged and stressful for many. And, that may expose cracks in

First Online Dating Message Tips

So you’ve identified the dating site you want to use, and you’ve constructed your profile complete with your best looking photos.  The next stage is either to sit and wait to be contacted by a potential date, or alternatively to look through the site and proactively start sending messages to potential dates yourself.

Surely, one of the things all of us want to know is what type of first contact message is most likely to succeed in achieving a response.  Should it be humorous, should it be factual, or should you just introduce yourself?  Furthermore, exactly how much should you say about yourself in this message?

The Common Sense Approach

Here are three common sense based tips that may increase your chances of a reply to your first contact message.

  • Firstly, when you send your first contact message, pay some attention to what the recipient has said in their profile description, thus illustrating that you have actually taken an interest in them and their profile personally.  Don’t just send generic catch all messages.  Sites such as Match allow users to respond by giving ‘winks’, although this type of communication may also be perceived as

You should know about lying when online dating

New research on deception online is leading to some headlines with claims such as “The internet is a web of lies.” But in order to evaluate these statements, we can’t just look at this study in isolation. We need to think about the relationship between online lying and offline lyingbefore we can draw any specific conclusions about lying online.

In an earlier post, I reviewed much of the research on online deception, highlighting two important factors: The communication venue and the topics people lie about. Overall, the research shows that most online lies are pretty minor and involve exaggerations, not outright fictions. But we are more likely to lie about our physical appearance, and we tend to be especially honest in how we represent our personality. We are also less likely to lie on social media, perhaps because the information we post on these sites is available to a wide range of people, many of whom we interact with on a regular basis — which makes it difficult to be particularly dishonest without being caught in an embarrassing lie.

In a new study, recently published in Computers in Human Behavior, Drouin and colleagues surveyed 272 adults about their own

Know all about the men

“I was wrong.”

“I’m sorry I said that.”

“I apologize for yelling at you.”

“I’m sorry I did that.”

When I work with couples I sometimes like to joke that men are born with only a certain number of apologies that have to last them their whole lifetimes.  So they have to be very careful in how they spend them and therefore they won’t apologize unless it’s for something really, really serious, and then only under great duress.

What makes it so hard for some men to apologize?  Why should they learn how to do it more often, more clearly, more cleanly?

Let’s start with some reasons I have seen men struggle with apologizing:

1) Admitting I’m wrong.  If I admit I’m wrong, that I made a mistake, it means I’m somehow lesser in some way:  less competent, less intelligent, less together.

2) “Yes butting”.  This sounds like “Yes I yelled at you but only because you did ,,,,,, to me.”  A variation on #1, it seems to stem from a man not being able to take clear responsibility for what he did wrong.

3) Vulnerability and weakness.  For

Couple Vacation Tips

The study was presented at the Annual Meeting of the American Sociological Association by researchers Julie Brines and Brian Serafini. According to a summary of the research, they found divorce consistently peaks during the months of August and March – times that follow winter and summer holidays.

In the research summary, Brines reported that troubled couples may see the holidays as a time to mend relationships; and they might believe that if they have a happy time “away from it all,” then everything will be fixed and their lives will improve.

But in reality, those vacation periods and time off can be both emotionally charged and stressful for many. And, that may expose cracks in a marriage. That is, the researchers point out that seasonal nature of divorce filings may reflect the disillusionment unhappy spouses experience afterwards — when vacation time doesn’t live up to their high expectation.

“People tend to face the holidays with rising expectations, despite what disappointments they might have had in years past,” says Brines. “They represent periods in the year when there’s the anticipation or the opportunity for a new beginning, a new start, something different, a transition into a new period of life. It’s like an optimism cycle,

Rebuild Trust Tips

Nothing hurts more than feeling betrayed by someone you love and trust. While betrayal can come in many forms such as dishonesty, disloyalty, unfaithfulness, or withholding, it feels like a moral violation that that cuts to the core of your emotional soul and can plunge you into a place of deep psychological distress. Relationships, though, are very complex and depending on the circumstances a betrayal doesn’t necessarily mean the end of the relationship. For some, working through a betrayal can make the relationship even stronger. When the desire is to continue the relationship, there is often a good deal of focus on whether or not the hurt party can forgive the other person. Forgiveness, however, while necessary to the reconciliation process, is not sufficient for being able to move forward with a relationship. Whether a relationship can be repaired depends primarily on whether or not trust can be restored.

Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. It is what allows you to feel safe so that you can be vulnerable enough to emotionally connect with the other person. When relationships first begin, trust is often given early as part of an unspoken code of honor. People